During the somatic meditation, what did you notice when you went back to the feeling of anger? What sensations and memories arose for you?
The radical unfairness in the memories I was having for the blatant disrespect shown to me, I was feeling the heat and I was shaking in rage. The one memory came to mind, that I ended up laughing and sharing with my cousin who was extremely apologetic for, was one of a birthday where my cousin had a baby doll for a school project. She was treating it like a real baby and threw it a birthday party. The birthday for the baby doll was April 4th. My family was there, my mother with her boyfriend at the time was there, and this birthday party was held on MY ACTUAL BIRTHDAY of March 29th where no one but my one aunt wished me a “happy birthday”. I found it funny now after the rage because people actually cut a fucking birthday cake for a fucking doll…but didn’t even wish me a “happy birthday” that day due to estrangement from me….it was triggering. I found myself more angry not for myself, but for the blatant disrespect right in front of my mother’s face.
What did you observe when you went back into the feeling of sadness? What sensations and memories arose for you?
The sensation is definitely the waterworks and in a way where I try to hold myself back from crying and I create a headache for myself physically. The sensations are so overwhelming that they do not at all feel cleansing to me. My most recent feeling of sadness lies in the audacity and evilness that my “dear” uncle bestowed upon my aunt and my cousins. They deserve better. It was so heavy I couldn’t console myself for the intensity of “what the actual fuck”. But the memories of how many nights I’ve cried for the pain to stop. I felt like everything was torn from me because of too many people with hands in the pots that were never theirs to be in. And, I suffered watching the world crash around me turning from this happy kid to someone who had to live in “survival mode”.
What did you observe when you went back to the feeling of loneliness? What sensations and memories arose for you?
I feel like this one goes hand-in-hand with sadness. I do feel the loneliness when I can’t speak and articulate the amount of abuse and pain that I have endured. I’m very much told, often, “I only think about myself” or “Do I ever think of anyone else’s feelings besides my own?” and it’s fucking audacious to feel like the silence is deafening, killing, and truthfully dismissive. Loneliness is the one thing I felt too comfortable in. If I’m alone, no one can hurt me. If I’m alone, no one can tell me my feelings aren’t invalid or compare their pain and their trauma to mine. If I’m alone, I can’t be told “to get over it” because I’m an adult now. But this was the only time I felt my body feel okay physically, but my stomach was upset.
Where in your body do you tend to hold these sensations and memories?
My head, my back, and my chest for sure. Sometimes, I will feel these emotions in areas like my shoulders, my neck, and my hips, but majority of the time, they are centralized in my head around my sinuses and temples, the middle of my lower back, and deep in my chest where I access most of my pain.
What did you learn overall from the somatic meditations?
I definitely learned that my body CANNOT handle these types of physical reactions and I would love to change them as quickly as possible as it induces my Multiple Sclerosis and creates a flare-up.
How did it feel when you did the suggested exercises for experiences for the feelings of safety, love, and joy?
I still felt myself doubting, however, getting the hang of enforcing the safety and love aspects of it, it became easier to find the joy I needed in the moment and continue to practice.
What are some tools for that trauma in this chapter that you used or would like to incorporate into your self-care practices?
Definitely the breathing and “talking myself through and off the ledge” when these emotions come up. Listen more than speaking. I always carry some type of crystal with me in my pocket or my bra for different intentions every day. I definitely need a massage! I also utilize aromatherapy consistently. There’s no questions asked about that.