My “shadow words are “disconnected” and “empty”.
And yet, I cannot seem to know why.
I have been on the search for the answer to my deepest wounds in understanding why my shadow words are what they are.
What does “disconnect” mean? Transitive verb to separate or sever the connection/ intransitive verb to terminate a connection, to become detached or withdrawn.
And, what does “empty” mean? An adjective: containing nothing; not filled or occupied. A noun: a container left without any of its contents.
I have to start here on my Diosa reflection.
Why do I feel empty and where did my start? I remember a memory my mother told me about that she had of my abuela while she was pregnant with me. I wonder if that’s where the feeling of emptiness came from. Although I bought so much joy to her life, many made it hard for her to enjoy her time with me as her first born. And all of us first born daughters, my mother included, we share an unspoken bond through that experience alone. I know I have to start here because my “mother wound” is bigger than any other aspect of my life. It’s something at 28 years old I feel shame to deal with through anger, jealousy, animosity, and hatred…even if some think it is in my right.
Why do I feel disconnected? I feel disconnected because I feel that, starting with my immediate family members, they did not truly allow room for independence vs being family-oriented, in which “turned off” their reason to accept and get to know me, allow me to blossom as a young woman from strong roots(which floors me). I come from a long line of FUERTE on both sides of my family. The women work, push through tribulations, although it made them unable to trust the men to be head of household. The men make sure, no matter what, their families are at least taken care of, and never abandoned us…even if they were emotionally unavailable. And with that being said, maybe I am also emotionally unavailable because I take things incredibly defensive, yet will destroy whatever is in my path rather than see things objectively even if it does not make sense to me.
Nonetheless, I find that this reflection puts new labels on top of my forehead in which I would like to erase. I have no real reason to feel “disconnected” at this point in my life. I have no reason to feel “empty” at this point of my life. I have what I need and I work for what I want. However, to remove those words without acknowledging the burning sensation in my chest would be negligent.
I must face those words head on in any which way to break the generational cycles that come with them.
I wonder who else feels disconnected.
I wonder who else feels empty.
Is it recent?
Has it been there since birth or childhood?
Where can I mend loose ends and turn those words into “full” and “connected”?
I have a bad habit of trying to avoid to keep the peace in my life because I can become explosive, especially when I am unseen, unheard, not considered, misunderstood, and dismissed. All of words in which I have been labeled with by others and taken on as a “strength” by my own mind and heart. They really just are masks I uphold knowing they are not me.
I find distractions to make me feel “full” and “connected” but they are temporary fixes. After much evaluation, I just know at this point, everything seems like a Band-Aid…not stitches in order to heal.
I am looking for new ways to approach this…..